I'm back in the blogosphere! Forgive my hiatus, sometimes I just can't find the will to write. I'll try to fill you in on the highlights from the past month.
I'm 21! Woot woot! Zitifest was a great success, although some of my besties were unable to come. But that's okay, there's always next year (which I think may be Fajitafest, but that's not a definite. I have some time to think about it). The dinner ended up being delish, and the post-dinner intoxication that ensued was quite fun as well. Then the next day Felix and Jacligza took me to Landmark, where I developed a newfound love for Lalas and Dirty Blowjobs. Yummmm. That Sunday, I went with my Zen Buddhism class to Pine Wind Zen Center in Shamong, NJ, for a 45-minute meditation as well as lecture on Zen practice. It was a very grounding experience. Then my amazing girlfriend took me out for some comida Mexicana, which was also fantastic. I had an all-around great birthday weekend.
The month since then has gone by in an utter and complete blur. I managed to see Stephanie and Antoine in the cabaret, which was AMAZING, but other than that I don't think I did too much exciting...went to a party or two...woot woot. Towards the end of the semester, I had a steaming shitload of work to do, like most of my collegiate peers, but I'm happy that I was able to take last weekend and just barrel the fuck through it, leading to a whopping 28 pages of productivity. That made me feel good. =] I was able to really delve into some existential philosophy that I didn't completely understand, and draw a few parallels between that, Zen, and psychotherapy, so doing all that work actually helped me understand myself a bit better as well too. The rest of the week was relatively lazier, which I was very thankful for. Wendy and I were able to get a few episodes into season 4 of The Office before we had to part for winter break.
And then there was snow! For the first time ever in my life, I had no feelings one way or the other towards the blizzard. I usually am excited for it (especially the first snowfall of the year), and sometimes I dislike it due to my loathing of intense cold, but this time I simply saw it as just another phase of Winter. At first, this lack of feeling troubled me. How could I not care about the beauty of the first snowfall? I then soon realized that this lack of feeling not due to apathy, but due to a detachment. Before living my life as spiritually as I do now, I always recognized the first snowfall in terms of how it related to me. How would it effect life for ME? Would I find it beautiful? Would it make MY life more difficult, or more filled with joy? But as my spiritual practice deepens, I have noticed that I often (sometimes consciously, sometimes not; this instance was not a conscious decision) remove the "I" from thoughts. This allows me to see things as they are, instead of projecting my own ego-based judgments and expectations upon them. This is what happened with the snow. This year, I am no longer concerned if the snow means no school for me or extra work for me to do. Instead, I simply see snow as snow.
Yesterday my grandparents asked my brother to put Christmas lights on the trees outside. I thought this was a little silly, as it is a considerable amount of work and it was snowing pretty heavily, but I decided to help him anyway. I wasn't really in the mood to go flouncing around in the snow, but through detachment I was able to find joy in my ability to spend time with and help my brother, regardless of what I wanted personally. I felt the same thing today when I was outside playing with my sister. I reached a point where I was cold and didn't really want to play, so I told her I was going to go inside. The "Aww, why?" and look that she gave me were enough to instantly make me reconsider, and decide instead to tackle her and give her a face full of powdery fluff. I've missed my family a lot the past few months, and I'm glad to be back.
I'm pretty sure I've already said this once or twice in this blog, but I can still feel myself changing at an unprecedented rate. My ability to quiet my mind and remain present in a given situation is increasing, and nightly meditation has become such a ritual that I think I would feel odd if I went to bed without watching my breath for a few minutes first. I sometimes fear that I come across too preachy when I speak about my spirituality (and I know I have at times, though I feel that this is occurring far less often), as I realize that we are each on individual paths, and what I learn in mine might have no bearing on yours at all. However, being able to change for the better, and then being able to say "Hey, I made that change happen!" makes me feel good. And yes, I realize that this feel-good is an ego-based feeling about the process of becoming egoless, but this process is far from complete and I find no problem in relishing in these good feelings. After all, ultimately there is no "I" that feels good, and that I am far from the only one that has made this changes possible. I think part of the reason I've been able to make the changes that I have is due to the 5-HTP that I've been taking for my depression; it raises serotonin levels, allowing me to avoid the unproductive depressive funks that I sometimes get in and actually make changes regarding the problems within myself and my life instead of merely dwelling on them. It also has the side effect of long, extremely vivid dreams, which is ridiculously cool. I would recommend it as an all-natural alternative supplement to traditional anti-depressants. And please don't be fooled into thinking "Oh, he's taking something that's going to make him happier; no wonder he's feeling better." It's the long-lasting internal changes that I make within me that bring me true happiness; the temporal "I feel better now" change that the 5-HTP gives me is nothing but an impermanent chemical change that allows me to truly be productive in my self-transformation. But I digress, forgive me.
I'm also feeling better overall due to changes in my external circumstances. Winter break is giving me some much-needed time with my family. It bothers me that I can't really watch my brother and sister grow up; he's turning 17 (Jesus Fucking Christ) in March, and she's 12, so these are very transformative in their lives. Our parents have been going through financial and marital troubles for a while now which I'm sure have been causing some strain on the family, and I wish that I could be there to alleviate some of that. But alas, things are as they are for a reason, and I trust that my sibs will be fine. I'd just like to be there a little more often.
But yeah. Being around my family makes me happy, as does one of my bestestest friends from high school, Amabel, is coming to Rowan next semester. I know that a lot of the times that I've gotten depressed this semester have been due to boredom and loneliness, so having another friend around who I can be completely comfortable around is going to be very good for me. I'm excited! (Side note: I know I've mentioned depression a couple times in this blog, and I used to be very depressed during the summer, but it's really not that bad now; much more fleeting than before, so don't worry about me.)
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At one point today I was laying in the snow gazing up at the trees, with their trunks slightly more illuminated from the sun reflecting off the blanket covering the ground, and I realized: this - the snow, me laying in it, the sky, the trees, my life, my family, my friends, my suffering, God - is beautiful.
Peace, love, and hotcakes,
Justin
